I very reluctantly recall things that have happened to me in the past and have formed me into the person I am today.
My mind has started to recall things that I had hidden so deeply, and covered with a comedy veneer, so that nobody should know the truth but, sadly, here the truth is, again in small parts, as I remember them.
When I returned from hospital the beatings from my step father Stanley continued. I had grown used to them as I had always lived with them as part of my life. I had always been beaten so unlike other children around me, I continued to live from hour to hour, from beating to beating. I had friends at my enclosed life at school, [neither parent had any interest what I did there] but as soon as I arrived home I was immediately fed and sent to bed with the bedroom door closed. When I protested to mother she would reply “You are still very ill and must rest.” With the fear of the constant injections in hospital still fresh in my mind I was very happy to obey her and accept my solitary confinement.
This, as I found out much later, was to stop Stanley from hitting me in case he killed me this time, after the close shave he had just experienced, by beating me so much that I ended up in hospital.
In the bed room I would be in bed and read for as long as the light lasted. The window would be open in the summer and I could hear children playing outside. I longed to be with them but having never mixed with children I also knew I was frightened of them, and I at least felt safe on my own, in my room, with my books.
I may not have been a good reader but I did manage, and the best books were those you could get lost in. Gulliver’s Travels was one book that I loved so much and believed that all the places he went to really existed. I would sleep a deep sleep dreaming of these far away shores, until Stan came calling, or something rattled, as then, in fear, I would wake instantly. I had no light, as the main bedroom light had a small dim nightlight fitted, but I did have a torch. When my eyes grew tired I would lay back with my thoughts and in the dimly lit room would always end up looking at the small fire mantel piece. Placed in the center of the mantel was a cheap chalk clock, the small white dial had a brass rim surrounding it and standing either side of the main center decoration was a Dutch boy and a Dutch girl. They were dressed in the Dutch national costume and both had clogs on. I would look at this clock for hour after hour listening to its gentle rhythmic tick, especially in winter, when it was dark early and hard to read for long periods of time. Sometime after it had become dark mother would appear and draw the curtains switching on the night light, seldom talking at all so as not to excite Stanley who was just downstairs. It would be several hours before Bernard came to bed and I would be alone again, with the small tick of the clock drawing my eyes to it. Then the magic would start, there in the dim light, firstly the boy and then the girl would lean forward so that they could see each other, then they would dance, both apart and together. The clumsy clogs they were wearing were no hindrance to them at all, they almost seemed to help them as in their great happiness at being freed from their chalk background that had held them so tightly, they just giggled and danced, apart and together.
I dare not breathe or move and was absolutely silent for I was sure that if they knew I was watching they would never dance again.
Almost every night I was treated to a Royal performance, they were my friends, I shared them with nobody.
Years later I saw the same clock for sale at an antiques fair and sadly missed buying it. I would have loved to have my friends with me again.
I still need them.
My mother and step father did not want me, but they kept me around because John Logie Baird had bought them a house in Wanstead London, so I was not told anything or taught anything before going to school. Therefore I was puzzled and frightened by everything. I had a dream that had my father lived longer he would have come for me and I would have helped in his inventing and around the workshop. I was not told of my heritage until very late in life and my inventions were scoffed at. I was always told I was stupid and had no chance of ever being anything and that it was pointless me aspiring to anything but laboring for a living. I studied for seven years at night school and achieved many certificates to do with motor engineering and motor vehicle law. The response from both my step father and mother was zero, I guess all their hopes were for my legitimate brother Bernard. One very funny incident happened due to Stanley and Mother not caring. I had found myself a job that I really wanted that was to be a motor engineer. the job was with a married couple in a small garage. Mr. and Mrs. Horner took to me and by luck he was a first class engineer. We would rebore engines and regrind crankshafts. Jim taught me with enthusiasm I worked hard soaking up the knowledge. Before long I was running the workshops leaving Jim time to buy and sell cars, for the first time in years. I was also willing to do the late shift on the petrol pumps, giving both time off together. Jim had never met my kin as I had found the job myself they had not been involved. Jim decided one morning that he would tell my parents how wonderful I was and how extremely happy he was with my work. So leaving me in his car he strolled down to the front door. When, rather quickly, he returned to me waiting in the car he just said "Wow they are a strange bunch!" I found out later that he had gone in to the house praising me for everything from my good manners to my engineering skills. Going on until the poor frustrated Stanley said" He is useless in every way and if you find him different then you keep him."
My sad past always caught up with me and from that day on Jim was looking for the faults in me. I was soon replaced and left to further my career, never forgetting Mr. and Mrs. Horner who I love even today.
Not being told of my father is like having a illegitimate son whose father is a great runner and breaking his legs so that he cannot run.
At last I can RUN!!
Please Please tell your child of his or her heritage
Gordon Robert Mays
as Myself
From a very early age I knew that for some reason I did not fit in to the Mays as well as I should. Both my brother and sister were dark and swarthy, but I had blond hair and in fact I teased mother that I was the milkman's. Mother spent a lot of time telling me of the wonderful man John Logie Baird who she worked for. As the years passed Bernard my brother and myself would compare notes. Stanley was always upsetting Bernard by insisting he must be gay because he was half Greek and Stanley was. He never mentioned this to me? Mother told Bernard very little about John Logie but told me a lot. Feeling somewhat indebted to Stanley I managed to live with the violence of being beaten and fisted, somewhat better than poor Bernard. I took the brunt of Stanley's hate, so Bernard was spared the main assault. Plus in later years I knew the much weaker Stanley who seemed to regret many things, Bernard never saw this side of his father as he was living in Canada. I think that by going away Bernard never got to lay ghosts to bed and settle matters with his father. There are very few times I am grateful to my sisters husband Trevor but this is one time. We were having a bonfire at our home in Bradford and the family were there, as a joke I said to Trevor "Grab Stanley's legs and we will pretend to throw him on the fire." We grabbed poor Stan and stood next to the blaze swinging him as if to throw him I said "I remember all you did to Bernard and I when we were growing up. I remember the pain, now its pay back I am going to throw you on the fire!!" The poor man panicked and was screaming "put me down please put me down" I had told Carole of our youth and she realized how bad it was when she saw terrified Stanley.
Roy Kilcast is on the back row and far right. He became my friend and was so strong. I felt so safe with Roy around and on top of his strength he has a kindness that is deep within him. Roy kilcast is the one person that made life bearable at Aldersbrook school. I am on the front row far right. Soon after this picture was taken I was rushed to hospital one night. My brother and I were in bed when my step father Stanley called me down stairs. I thought I had done something wrong and expected to be hit but instead Stanley and I went to Whipps Cross Hospital with sirens blaring, I was so mad that my friends could not see me, and in fact it would be two years before my return to Aldersbrook school. Like some animal I was always desperate to be loved and found it in Whipps Cross Hospital the nurses and staff were so kind and wonderful to us snotty nosed kids. After about a year in and out of hospital I was sent to convalescent home.
The convalescent home stands out in my memory as nothing nice happened there. I have forgotten its name but it was in south London and near a lake. The fun part was I was taken shopping by mum and dad for a teddy bear. The store was full of wonderful teddies and I was told pick any one. Evan at that age I knew about the lack of money and thankfully I picked and loved a very small one. I was asked are you sure. But I was happy with teddy Brown. Then on for a new coat and shoes! my first new clothes and first shoes without holes! My mother feeling I would not show her up took me to the home. As soon as we entered the door of the home which was like a stately home we were greeted by the Matron and her daughter who ran at me and pulled my hair. I did not fight back but hoped all my life someone did and hurt her as much as it hurt me. The dormitory was a mass of beds and the dining hall had rows of tables filled with subdued children. We never made a noise and were herded around in utter silence. I was there for 6 months and remember very little as the experience was horrible. It was too far for my parents to visit so mothers kind brother Greg Faux visited a couple of times. I was cut off from feelings and just obeyed orders in silence. We used to be herded into the dining room 30 minutes before the meal time and sing my Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean etc. until Matron appeared and sat so then we all could begin eating. Once to my horror the boy next to me was sick on my plate I yelled and immediately a nurse appeared. She sent the boy to get cleaned up and pushed the sick on my plate to one side saying there eat that , its fine there is no sick there! Well needless from that day forth I never ate carrots again. There are huge blanks in my mind concerning my stay in the home. Again it was left to uncle Greg to visit me which he managed a couple of times. Every day we were walked around the lake so much so that when at last mother appeared to take me home my wonderful new shoes had holes in them and began to feel just like all my other shoes.
This picture was hand tinted by my dear mother. I am in the rocking horse and remember hitting my mouth on the wooden mane it sure hurt. The blond hair is a gift from my father john Logie Baird, it was uncontrollable and as the rock era came Brilcream saved the day, here Bernard is so like his father Stanley, yet he was so gentle and again had a inner kindness.
This is granny Mays -Page's brother Clarence with his bigamist wife Eleanor when they came to visit us from Canada where he lived and used his inheritance wisely becoming a coin dealer, which supported him and two families all his life. He seemed a kind gentle man, poor Bernard has managed a smile and I sporting a foxes head Cub badge I smile the smile of innocence and the smile of someone touching me.
When these photos were taken I was being beaten on a regular basis. The one with Aunty Jesse was for father in an attempt to make him take me away. To this day I remember every cuddle I ever had and I remember pulling aunties hand around me tighter. The trousers had a button missing and I could pull the shoulder strap through the hole and tie it so it looked good.
The next was for the orphanage.
We see many pictures of Lambourne Church as it is central in my life. The area was the one place I seemed to get any peace and later it became the final resting place of most people I loved. Gran and Granddad Faux with mum and Liz. When I go there I can talk to them and let them all know that I still care.
In this school photo I thought that if I did not smile people would take me more seriously and listen to my ideas
This was taken just before my 2 years off school, I am fifth from the left next to a girl I loved at the time called Jennifer so I am very happy. My great friend Roy Kilcast is just the other side Wow I am in heaven! Filth from the left on the back row is my other love Doreen Petingale, and next to her is a kind and gentle girl Madeline. Two more friends I remember well are John Good first on the rear row and David Oliver First on the second row.
After spending two years off school and in hospitals I returned to find myself in the Seniors and in our classroom stood a grand piano. David Oliver had rich parents who sent him to piano lessons something I wanted to do. When the teacher asked if anybody could play the piano David said he could so was asked to play. The short classical piece he played was so wonderful and especially as I had only heard the music through hospital head phones, I promptly beat him up in envy. For all my trouble I was sent to the headmaster to be caned. Back at school and caned the first day!
It was about the time of the photo above left that half sister Liz had a birthday. She went into bed with her father Stanley and opened her presents and cards. I got up earlier and was down stairs when mother shouted " Take this tea to you father" she was always abrupt with me I think it was her way of showing her dislike for me. I took the tea to Stanley, who said thank you and continued to tell both Bernard and Elizabeth a story. By that age I knew to disappear was the best tactic and so tried to slide out of the door. Stanley saw me and shouted " You can stay sit on the floor". He then told Elizabeth a fun story that went on for ages and ended up with Rupert Bear opining his boxes on his birthday only to find nothing in them. Stanley said to Elizabeth that was the surprise. Poor Liz was mad with Stanley and they had a play fight on the bed and I managed to retreat from a very uncomfortable position. As I recalled this short moment in time I cried as the memories of having nobody and being an outcast flooded back, I guess the Baird humor helped me carry on.
I remember the jumper as it was almost new from a church jumble sale. It had a hole in it which was easy to hide with one arm, I just could not move the arm if talking to someone. The great Roy did not mind.
We never went on holiday that is the Mays and when I was in Yorkshire I palled up with David Senior, we soon became friends. Both his mother and father were kind and loving. They invited me to go with them to Great Yarmouth. This is a photo of that time and even though we don't look it we felt at the time real cool.
I guess it is about here in my life story that we moved to Yorkshire to Otley a small town near Leeds but soon moved on to Farnley Leeds. Here we joined a church Gildersome Baptist Church which had it own youth group which seemed full of pretty Yorkshire lasses. I remember Brenda Dransfield with dark hair and I fell in love again. There were so many it was impossible to chose so I became involved with motor bikes, buying one for 15 pounds and selling the sidecar for 25 pounds. Eventually I ended up with my beloved Matchless which I tuned to out perform the Bonnivelle, this was my speed and daring days!
My father died when I was three so I never met him when I was old enough to understand but the strange thing is that so much is passed on in your genes. I like my father wanted to be a motor engineer. I achieved this and soon had my own garage in Gildersome a suburb of Leeds in Yorkshire. At the garage I met and became friends with so many people including the famous Robin Colville of the great Grumbleweeds.
We spent many hours together as we both had a love of cars and Graham Walker just made me laugh all the time. The two are the only ones left from the original group but they were always the brains and the pranksters so much so that if I went on stage with them I would be funny!
Both these guys give all when they are on stage and now with only the two they are so worth watching. A visit to there web site http://thegrumbleweeds.co.uk/
is fun and gives you the chance to ask questions of them as I know they often personally answer some queries'
I always wanted a great Rolls Royce and eventually I got this one. It was a extended chassis. I loved this car it was so nice to drive but I hated the attention as everyone wanted to mar it or would shout out abuse.
As I researched my life and understood why things happened as they did, a deep depression fell over me. I understood that I was not just unloved but despised by both my step father and my mother. But it seems I was kept around because of the home which John Logie gave to my mother to keep me. This whole episode puts the bully Stanley into a position of right as far as I am concerned, I would have beat me for coming along. Mother should have not been greedy and turned down the offer of a home and put me in a orphanage like Stanley where I could have made some friends instead of being so alone.
In total from going into the Hospital and rejoining my school was 2 to 3 Years but even with this setback I was able to soon catch up with my classmates. On my return to the class room the class was full and I had to sit on my own in a row of empty seats. The teacher was young and inexperienced otherwise she would have placed me in the body of the class and placed the trouble maker on his or her own. The classroom was the music class and was home to a magnificent Grand Piano. The teacher asked if anyone could play to which a student named David Oliver came forward and played wonderfully. my father John Logie Baird passed on many gifts to me one of which is a " Perfect Pitch Ear" and I was transported by his playing so much that envy and jealousy took over and I pounced on poor David doing my best to beat him up for his talent. I was pulled off and sent to the head, with the result being I was caned first day back after a two year break form education. Another inherited gift is a dislike of any authority, so school years were hell except for the wonderful friendship of Roy Kilcast who even today has a kind and understanding nature.
As I review my life I feel so stupid and sad.